Calendar Shoot

This was not the role I envisioned myself having. I was supposed to be behind the camera, zooming in on bikini clad women, surrounded by white sand and blue waves. However, I was offered a different perspective as I tried on the role of the bikini clad coed.

This morning's kindergarten activities were all the same. Usually we offer an intensely diverse curriculum for our 3-6 year olds. Math, Language Arts, Science, Cooking, Geography. I kid you not, Geography. Well, there is a new semester coming up and preparations have already begun to woo new parents, so we had to switch gears a bit and focus on the prize ahead. That's how I ended up being a model for our school's new calendar.

Don't be fooled. I'm not overwhelmingly handsome enough to overtake all 12 months of 2013, but I wouldn't be surprised if I was Miss March and hopefully Miss September. All of the english teachers at our school were posed and prodded into photogenic positions. I like to think mine were a bit more memorable.

We'll start with my first shoot. The Art Class. I'm assuming each month will debut a class activity that our school offers. Phonics, Cooking, Science, etc. We don't actually have an art class currently but who's to say a handsome American face can't make that happen?

My kindergarten class and I were ushered out of our classroom and into a neighboring one. Inside, 4 easels were set up with a clean sheet of paper. In the center of the room was a lone table. My stage. I sat down on the table and offered poses I remembered from Will Ferrell's skit on SNL. The students began to draw, the camera snapped away, and I was in a Korean school posing for their upcoming calendar. Don't ever let anyone tell you dreams don't come true.

When I wore the camera out, I was headed outdoors for some fun in the sun. I would be shooting for the P.E. portion of our curriculum (also non-existent). Two miniature basketball hoops were set up opposite each other and a new class was gathered around me in between. My assignment was a tricky one. The ever elusive "action jump" shot. Hard enough with grown adults, but with eight 6 year olds...they needed a professional. I must have thrown the basketball into the air 50 times. The students mimicking the ball's trajectory, as I blankly smile and laugh at the situation. It was grand!

By the end of my second shoot, I was worn out. Those girls on America's Next Top Model don't have it so easy. Modeling is hard work! I was really thirsty too! But I wasn't about to let some other english teacher become Miss September! Not on my watch! On to the third shoot.

Science time. My third different class was again gathered around me and a portable gas range stove. Atop the stove was a 1.5 ft. metal tube. The idea would be to place a floppy tissue paper balloon over the pipe and turn the stove on. The balloon fills with hot air and floats to the heavens. The children cry with delight as I look down and pat one on the head saying, "Isn't science wonderful?"

We tried several takes to get this to happen but the closest we got was the balloon floating away and disappearing into the chilly November afternoon. One of the damn kids blinked and messed up the take so we had to try again. We took our second balloon and positioned ourselves in front of a much nicer background. The balloon was ready, the kids were feigning interest, and I turned on the stove.

The wind blew the tissue paper balloon over top of the metal tube, trapping the hot air and creating a fire ball that sent all the students running and screaming. The tissue paper went up in a flash as I tried to stomp out the flames like a mad man. The other teachers screamed in horror as a passing elderly couple looked on with growing intrigue. Luckily as fast as it caught fire, it was out and the only harm done was to my rubber Chuck Taylor sole.

Artist, Athlete, Scientist, Stuntman. Miss September.

Calendar shoot, check